Winter Solstice 2013

 I imagine that most people figure out  who they are by the time they’re young adults.  Not me.  In virtually every aspect of my life I’ve been a later bloomer.  On the surface that realization came as a disappointment.  It seems to imply a slowness akin to being un-bright.  Like moving through life in a fog.  I searched,   oh, did I search.  But my unfolding took it’s time.  Then I came to see it as an advantage to not peak in my youth—maybe if I could be a crone that would be the best remedy to silver my life.  But wishing and being are two different things.  You have to work at being the crone—it doesn’t just happen with age.  It’s a journey of self-discovery and building fortitude, of surviving and turning survival into a remarkable growth.  A living, breathing, blossoming seed comes from epiphany.

 I can see now.  I can see how I’ve changed as I learn more about myself.  By having reviewed my entire life—remembering virtually everything I could/can—what I did and thought and felt at the time and how I reacted to each experience.  That has given me great insight into how I got here. The Spider twisting my life strands through her betrayal, precipitated that intense review and has helped me to see how I became the way I am and how I’ve overcome everything life has thrown at me.

Though I was on a spiritual search,  I couldn’t see clearly who I was because I never learned how to put into words what I had experienced as a child.  Not in a meaningful way of connecting the events to the emotions  to understand how those experiences impacted me.  It is clear to me now how our family dynamics affected my ability to communicate.  It’s no wonder I became an artist—how else could I express myself?  But now I’ve found my voice.  That opens a whole new world for me.

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